my cell (that which i consider an extension of my soul) has committed suicide. BREF, i dropped it/lost in snow, found it an hour later only to realize that it was run over and no longer functions. there is no landline service under my rock, but we do have farmer's internet (go figure) and so facebook works.
exams are my way to redemption. most of the time.
in general, throughout my student life, as much as a i fuss and cry about the disgusting and unapologetically brutal process that is studying... the end result is proportional to the effort (give or take) and so i find some level of comfort.
this time, the feeling is different. this time i am dreading with every grain of my existence the very thought of these exams. i cannot fathom the notion of remaining at my desk, immobile, completely surrendered to my heavy books and submerging what remains of my brain cells in the glory of scientific discoveries made by senile and mostly rotting geniuses. i have been phenomenal at eating and sleeping and occasionally going to work. work of course being the heavens to anyone who has any inclination for chocolate (Lindt boutique... yes, i've gained a bajillion pounds worth of chocolate right on my thighs... its a matter of knowing one's product well enough to sell it). photosynthesis and its rigorous photosystems is of no interest to me. i much rather surrender to my bed or better yet, surrender to tv and bask in the glory of all that is VAMPIRE DIARIESSSSSS. gosh, i am obsessed.
i know why it's different this time. it's because i have lost to time and to procrastination. i have been unable to gather the will to fight my laze. i feel as though i haven't left myself reasonable time or chance to make a difference in my grades with these exams. i HATE going through an exam and having the answer at the tip of my tongue only to sit there and tell myself, i should have read that chapter one more time and i would have been fine. i hate knowing that just a little more effort, a little sooner would have helped. i hate knowing that if i had studied just a little more, i could have done so much better. it eats at me from the beginning of the exam till the day i receive my grade. then it's right into the depression, and hating myself.
WHYYYYYYY OH WHYYYYYYY did i wait so long? sleep so much? eat so much?
i don't think i have it in me to be a good student no more.
O_o
No comments:
Post a Comment