so this is what happens when i choose to ignore my thoughts... they grow stronger and wage wars against each other...
since being remote from anything that has any semblance of self expression, i feel as though i don't exist somehow. i'm not quite sure how to explain it, but when i'm not blabbing about me, myself and i here... i feel like my personality shuts down and hides in the depths of some ever lasting corridor.
this semester (being a student, my life is segregated into semesters and everything derives of each set of 4 months) i've been sleeping a lot... more than a lot... too much. why that is i haven't quite understood. it's not exhaustion, i haven't done anything particularly difficult or time consuming that merits to be deemed tiring. i ponder after the fact and can never seem to come to a conclusion other than apathy.
see i need a project. i need something to keep my person alive, something that stimulates my interests and aspirations to feel alive. to be able to work towards something usually gives me the enthusiasm i need... i used to have that. i used to be involved, i used to do things I enjoyed, that somehow benefited others at the same time. maybe that's my problem, i can't think of anything that will please me and others at the same time.
other than being in an inspirational/motivational rut.... i'm in a catastrophic financial rut. the kind that stresses you out to the point where you go numb. i hate the feeling of being limited by my financial situation (sound familiar? i think i may have mentioned about a million times... bear with me) and i refuse to let my family suffer on my account. so, i need help... i'm not so great at asking for it but here it goes... help me. anyone with an idea or inspiration on how to make the best of what i have... i want to know how i can feel like i am alive and know with certainty, if possible at all, that my existence matters... i want to learn how to achieve what i want to despite what my circumstance dictates, to be able to live beyond what anyone in my shoes would be expected to live. i think i may be asking for a little too much...
since being remote from anything that has any semblance of self expression, i feel as though i don't exist somehow. i'm not quite sure how to explain it, but when i'm not blabbing about me, myself and i here... i feel like my personality shuts down and hides in the depths of some ever lasting corridor.
this semester (being a student, my life is segregated into semesters and everything derives of each set of 4 months) i've been sleeping a lot... more than a lot... too much. why that is i haven't quite understood. it's not exhaustion, i haven't done anything particularly difficult or time consuming that merits to be deemed tiring. i ponder after the fact and can never seem to come to a conclusion other than apathy.
see i need a project. i need something to keep my person alive, something that stimulates my interests and aspirations to feel alive. to be able to work towards something usually gives me the enthusiasm i need... i used to have that. i used to be involved, i used to do things I enjoyed, that somehow benefited others at the same time. maybe that's my problem, i can't think of anything that will please me and others at the same time.
other than being in an inspirational/motivational rut.... i'm in a catastrophic financial rut. the kind that stresses you out to the point where you go numb. i hate the feeling of being limited by my financial situation (sound familiar? i think i may have mentioned about a million times... bear with me) and i refuse to let my family suffer on my account. so, i need help... i'm not so great at asking for it but here it goes... help me. anyone with an idea or inspiration on how to make the best of what i have... i want to know how i can feel like i am alive and know with certainty, if possible at all, that my existence matters... i want to learn how to achieve what i want to despite what my circumstance dictates, to be able to live beyond what anyone in my shoes would be expected to live. i think i may be asking for a little too much...
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