monster courting insanity

tra la la la laaa

we come to the end of another slow and wasted day.

i woke to the afternoon sun gleaming through my windows.

a cup of tea and then i got started on my task for the day... rather the never ending task of 15 yesterdays ago : job applications. the process i hate cause every time i open the profile of a potentially exciting opportunity, my light is quickly put out by the reality of it all... too good to be true. why is it so hard? i am qualified, intelligent enough to grasp new things promptly and efficiently... i even have experience with respectable companies! the idea that my name has a role to play is tugging at my tired brains. 

baaaaaah. i feel useless and the worst part is the fact that this bears over my head like a big black cloud everywhere i go is taking a toll on my relationships. i am completely and shamelessly neglecting family and i can't convince myself to act any differently right now. i feel like big old monster. big and evil, filled with all the hate and negativity that could possibly fit in my barely 5 foot frame.

sometimes it feels like some people have it all, right from the get go... not even having tried. the grades, the job, the boyfriend, the social life, the looks, the... you name it, they got it. here we are trying so desperately that we are courting insanity.

also, my sleeping patterns are way out of whack. i sleep in the early morning and wake up in the afternoon. it's not even insomnia anymore as my sister pointed out, cause now i`m actually sleeping... its just me being a plain old, absolutely ridonkulous being.

my baby brother walked into my room, where i've been hiding out much like hermit these past few weeks, and asked me if i'd like to watch Alice in Wonderland with him. i was not up for it... but he stood there. i said to him, maybe later and then he asked me what i was doing.

i was pouting. not much of an answer, so i says to him... you know what, ya, let`s watch that movie.

that movie was the best thing to happen to me all day... heck... all week.

magical, creative, imaginative, colouful, simple. all of those happy things.

it tickled my heart long enough for me to be happy for a while... it was more than i could afford given any other circumstance.

i'm learning something new off late, gratitude for my countless blessings that so often escape my view.